for the moment

2010-06-06T18:36:00.001+08:00

Means I've moved. Bye.

2010-05-18T21:17:00.002+08:00

I probably said that i had no right. I probably said that it didn't sway me that i didn't. But i'm probably wrong. I had a right, in the wrong ways, and it did sway me, in all the right ways.

Because I love you. I don't know where it's coming from. I don't know how i'm going to stop it.

Because I miss you. And there's nothing i can do or say, to get by.

2010-05-12T11:28:00.002+08:00

i have no complaints, no anger, no upset, no happy, no excitement. im cruising through life well balanced, and very very bored. thus the empty pages. fucka

2010-05-09T10:19:00.001+08:00

oh wow you disgust me

2010-05-08T22:38:00.003+08:00

good day

2010-05-06T01:54:00.002+08:00

you make me go woo woo.

2010-05-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

we are the cutest shit

2010-05-02T17:47:00.002+08:00

2010-04-23T21:20:00.001+08:00

i really dont want to know where this is heading.

2010-04-18T18:38:00.002+08:00

All i can say is that ive been a very happy girl. For so many reasons i cant bear to lose. Friends are good. Boyfriend is good. My daddy makes me happy. Though i can't say the same thing for my mother.

And i can't wait for the 8th of May. :D

2010-04-13T21:32:00.002+08:00

Its not in my wishes to be updating about you anymore, but i constantly find myself circling back to you.

i feel like your life isn't in your hands. like you're living for somebody else. like you're living by somebody else's regulations. the way they want, and not how you would live it.

And no matter how much that sounds pitiful (or pathetic) on your part, i can't help but feel that you could alter it to be the best you could ask for.

But aside that, i still find you a goddamn ridiculous woman, because all those days of declaring you're a bitch goddess or whatever, you've proved to be a slut, a two faced wimp and a narrow minded idiot, thus anything but a bitch.

Where'd the mirror infront of you go?

2010-03-29T21:35:00.004+08:00

I think trashcans are specially created for you.

You look like a fucking idiot no matter how many times you try to modify yourself.

You give penises a bad name.

I thought your life was all that until i realize that unless for the people who make do for you every single day of your pathetic life, you would be miserable on your own.

All those days you held my chin up were just excuses to glorify yourself. Look who's the pig now.

2010-03-18T21:30:00.001+08:00

"I opened myself to you only to be skinned alive. The more vulnerable I became, the faster and more deft your knife. Knowing what was happening, still I stayed and let you carve more. That’s how much I loved you. That’s how much."

- Rabih Alameddine: I, the Divine

2010-03-18T21:20:00.002+08:00

can't stand little dweebs talking like fucking ganstas in their blog. to be more precise, acting like a fucking minah, when all i see is otherwise. crappy twerps.

whatever. as the cliched goes, their space their say. fuck their says anyway.

---

i've been having back to back nightmares for days now. The fear won't reside conscious or not, and that, my friends, are one of the few life challenges i have to succumb to.

---

been wanting to say this out. but when i step further into life, my next step(s), i'm going to stop being friends with girls. Whether it be work, or school, all my friends from then on are going to be guys.

The funny thing is that it isn't going to be for my sake.

2010-03-18T10:53:00.002+08:00

1. it's come to such a point that there's nothing in my vocabulary big enough to describe your attitude. and for that i loathe you. I can call you a jerk, an asshole, a mindnumbingly ignorant idiot, but that would be understating your nature.

2. i've loved you at your best. and well at your worst. it's not that i'm not understanding, it's that you are not the easiest person to make out.

3. you know, throwing you in a swamp filled with crocs would be a redeeming thought for me. days of never having to live with the frustration of losing control. for all the deceit and ignorance you've been crapping, there are fingers gettin ready to point at me now. morality and decency isn't something you choose to act upon.

4. if i could tape you and send it in to funniest home videos on a daily basis, i will be doing the show a big favour.

2010-03-18T10:48:00.003+08:00

sure the idea of dying and afterlife scares me,
but i'm okay with being dead.

2010-03-16T22:09:00.004+08:00

My brows are horrendous. Months of not fixing it.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.--Will Smith

2010-03-10T20:53:00.002+08:00

not so dear you,

under many circumstances, i could pick just about a million and one things to say to you. the question is not whether you could take it or not, its whether you want to. you are the oldest among us, and i used to hold you in high esteem. But recently your edges are jagged from your own doing. You can select people to cover your shit, but you still seem like as if you're on crack.

i wonder what happened to you that has altered you in ways that i've gotten extremely annoyed with. hell could freeze over and i still wouldn't favor you. cause in my eyes, you're already dead.

not so dear you either,

i'm a girl. they're girls.we've been girls for as long as we can remember. Girls act differently than boys, like when they're upset, or when they are in love. And i can damn well say that no matter how much you seal your feelings, or try to behave in such a way you think it doesn't expose your dirty little secrets, i'm obligated to say, that the can of worms are popped open as far as i know.

We don't learn how to be girls. we naturally are. How you act right now is how any of us would behave when we're in your situation. Trust me, just because you think you are not one of us, doesn't mean you aren't.

2010-03-07T20:53:00.002+08:00

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

~Wayne Dyer

2010-03-06T15:25:00.002+08:00

h: can i ask you something?
n: uh huh.
h: you're not hiding things under the carpet are you?
n: why do you say that?
h: you know. its you. the way you deal with your problems.

2010-03-06T15:04:00.004+08:00

life has been going on at a rather smooth pace. bf's doing good. friends are doing terrible though, but that's out of my business.

i think sometimes i'm too arcane with myself. the things that i can't wrap my head around, what hurts, i treat it like a joke. although, i daresay has been pinning me alot. maybe it's what he said about me getting dangerously good at pretense, seeming that i do it every minute.

smiling and laughing is easy when there are people around you. but when you lay your head to rest, and you're alone and your mind is ticking like a goddamn clockwork, you realize that it gets harder to sleep every night.

So here i am, stripped of my sanity, waiting for god knows what, and there you are, reading too much into it.

The best thing about this whole dramatic inner battle is that it comes one day at a time. Just like everything else.

2010-03-06T14:49:00.002+08:00

There are things you may already know about me. Some things you don't. And other things you probably won't want to.

2010-03-01T23:21:00.000+08:00

10/10

Lost count of how many times i've cried.

2010-02-28T23:24:00.002+08:00

You are, by far, one of the most irritating idiot i know.

2010-02-25T20:46:00.003+08:00

By the way,

"Takpe. Aku tkde duet nak beli kerete takpe. Duet ERP tu yg susah datang."

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH. Classic sia.

2010-02-25T20:34:00.001+08:00

Lately ive been feeling like i'm not good enough, like as if i keep on wishing for things that i can't have, that's out of my control. And i don't even know when i'll start liking myself back.

2010-02-23T21:04:00.000+08:00

Classy.

2010-02-23T17:12:00.001+08:00

It's like saying you're a virgin when you're not.

2010-02-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

Ive kissed the pains the years had etched in me. I figure if i had to live with it, i might as well embrace it. After all, i wouldn't be the same person i am today. And i am something i can't lose.

If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. ~Johann von Goethe

2010-02-19T20:04:00.002+08:00

Told ya black is back.

2010-02-18T21:14:00.001+08:00

why we do the things we do.

2010-02-16T21:48:00.003+08:00

You know, people always find something to hate about me, when all i do is be nice to them (but what happens after, is another story lah). They waved the goddamn flag of war, then claim i threw the first spear. They discriminate your life (which has nothing to do with them) and your successes (again, nothing to do with them) because they, and i love using this word, dengki.

Hunny, you've lost your battle before it even began.

2010-02-13T22:26:00.002+08:00

This is going out to Em and Farah, about the bush joke which i had trouble remembering:

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". "

No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said:

"If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".

2010-02-13T22:21:00.002+08:00

Good day :D

2010-02-12T20:48:00.002+08:00

there are words to say, just not the right ones.

2010-02-12T09:47:00.000+08:00

i hold it all when i hold you. ♥

2010-02-12T08:27:00.002+08:00

So skg sume yg buat jahat tu aku lah. Syabas. Orang yg paleng berkepale hotak.

---

You know, we can trade shoes anytime you want. Or atleast back then, when you life was what it's supposed to be. When it was all cashed in and you're out and about. People sometimes take advantage of what they're used to. Because when they're used to it, it holds no meaning anymore. You were this pillar of confidence and strength. An intelligent figure of a lady. Well look at you now.

---

Last night was a thrill :D

My father was a momentary killjoy but it's okay.Guess he's just bein careful. Atam and Farah was proud of me, and i liked hearing it. Talep was being an enormous bitch. The more he told me not to fear, the more i feared. And then i almost got into accident when i jammed break because he told me to turn at the very last minute. You should see the look on Em's face the moment i arrived.

Such a happy night.

---

I'm not going to be sorry for the things i've achieved. Having achieved does not make me superior, but when you open your mouth, it automatically makes me better than you.

---

- You can be such an asshole sometimes.
- And you're too damn stupid to hang around assholes like him.
- Youre too ignorant.
- Your head is so far up your ass
- And maybe we're all too high up in the clouds.

2010-02-11T15:40:00.001+08:00

Atik nad azh wawan

2010-02-10T10:41:00.002+08:00

A year ago this day 10/2

"But it's worth it, just being there looking at you."
- 2006

"Frankly, i have better chances of surviving an inferno than getting a bloody C in Malay."
- 2007 (Opie would personally love this one, ah ha.)

"The truth is not what I want to hear, but more so than anything else."
- 2008

"Atam you dick. The biggest motherfucking asshole cum dick."
- 2009

Ah ha.

2010-02-10T10:04:00.000+08:00

See i was right :D

2010-02-09T13:07:00.002+08:00

So why then are you losing friends?

2010-02-09T12:39:00.002+08:00

What people say to me,

"I feel sorry for what he did to you. I didn't really digest it the first time, but now that i don't care, i just want to say sorry he did that."
- Farah

"You've been saying things like that for far too long. Im the kind of person who when i care about someone, i push them. And i care about you enough to push you to work wonders, i know you're strong, but you're too stubborn."
- Han

"You wanna go, you go. You listen to family."
- Fah

"I swear, you look ugly when you cry."
- Eddy

"If i didn't care about you, would i be here talking to you, would i spend my time everyday being with you? But why didn't you tell me?"
- Atam

"Your eyes look weird."
- Dad

"Maybe you're screwed up cause your head is full of Han. I know la i'm Han-sem... oh head heavy? Cause full of air. My head heavy, but information."
- Han

"Stokin aku koyak. Camane? :("
- Eddy

The crazy things people say to a drunk person. Ha ha.

2010-02-06T10:06:00.003+08:00

You've probably already heard it by now, but i got my license :D

this is one of the most satisfyingly successful days of my life. Least i know i haven't wasted 3 months' effort yaw.

2010-02-04T15:44:00.001+08:00

Yeah, criticizing in blogs are so cool.

Not to mention matured nak mampos. Ha ha

2010-02-04T00:09:00.002+08:00

i'm angry and tired and sleepy and frustrated,

i'm sleeping outside tonight.

2010-02-03T23:50:00.001+08:00

Ha ha ha bless your soul

2010-02-03T23:34:00.002+08:00

God only knows what I'd be without you

2010-02-02T14:54:00.002+08:00

living 3 days more with nausea,

thus flicking cigarette butts a little bit too much.

2010-02-02T14:31:00.003+08:00

Before i start with anything, let me just wish myself and atam a very happy (belated) 33rd month anniversary :)

---

Suddenly when i'm over everything, people pull a "fast one" (pfft?) on me. Maybe getting older really doesn't mean more adult. Drown yourselves, knnbcbs.

---

You don't have to pretend like it's all one big masquerade coming to town, something you've never seen before. i know you enjoy figuring shit out, poking your nose where they don't fit, and finally crossing the bridge as a tourist.

but it's starting to really annoy the shit out of me.

Fuck off.

---

I enjoy the company of people who are with me now. the amazing friends in real life, and a handful good ones in virtual. List locked.

2010-01-30T20:18:00.002+08:00

Love takes different forms. For me, at times it's harsh, difficult, hair-pullingly frustrating.We can't always make it work, can't always see eye to eye.

but I wouldn't trade you for anybody. i wouldn't trade our memories and our time spent together. if this doesn't pull through, know that this feeling is eternal. There is no other place i'd rather be than here with you,

i love you. :)

2010-01-29T09:21:00.002+08:00

we don't like you. i wouldn't say hate cus it's dramatic like you, but yeah, to an unbelievably sky grabbing extent, we don't like you.

No, she doesn't like you either. the ONE reason why she's around you both is cus she's a pushover. obedient and unconfronting. it's funny how you always think your imagined perfected life are made up of your ability to think you're right about everything.

Overpowering much, but then again i'm not really surprised. And that's sad right there.

2010-01-28T21:51:00.002+08:00

life has been, i don't know how to say it. Some days its at its peak, sometimes it pulls me to my lowest. the worst part is going through that ride alone. i have friends, but still i feel like i'm the only one walking around.

and oh, some people really need to be shoved with pineapples up their asses. or their asses in their mouth.

Before i end this off,

Girls with shitty faces, need to act like girls with shitty faces. (:

2010-01-26T15:19:00.002+08:00

"no u r right. i dont know bout love. never gotten myself in that rut e way u did. all i know is that when you tell me that you're unsaveable, i don't think i can believe u. i think u say that for the thrill of pushing people away. maybe you're unsaveable, but only because u won't let anyone in. u complain bout havin shitty friends, but i think its because you secretly enjoy detaching urself. i know nothin bout love, but i do bout ignorance..."

"so u, by accident, put ur hand on a burning stove. it leaves a mark and that mark, you carry it wih u for as long as u live. naturally people learn from their mistakes. so after awhile u learn not to put it there again. u dont go on by saying uve been there once, so its no problem going there again because no matter how many times ur gonna put ur hand there, its going to sting the same, or worse cause of your scars from previous endeavours. strength is not measured by living on pain, but by moving on from them. so tell me, why are ur hands still on the damn stove?

2010-01-26T14:27:00.002+08:00

I want to write things at this moment but my mind is spinning around insanely. maybe i'll wait it out till at home.

fyi, i hate girls. i'm sick of girls. You know, bitchy, sensitive, gossippy, hypocritical.

i just described myself hehe.

2010-01-20T23:26:00.003+08:00

It's funny how people, even after being singled out, and i quote "especially", thinks and says they have nothing to do with it.

And it's funny how you, also, inferiorate atam YESTERDAY, and then now say i am never happy with him. (Contradicting statement,i know)

So whose side are you on? Not on mine, not on atam's. Obviously, so that's why you bring us both down. And i'm the one saying things a certain way and then doin another.

I'm not going to bring up your problems, cus then i have plenty to say.

Not even gonna fight what you've said about me, cus you're just the same. You are just the same.
Plus you've dug more holes than i did. That's why when you say i'm a shitty friend, i still have more than you, when you say i'm a shitty girlfriend, atleast i don't get used and then throwed.

I'm sorry my back hurt your knife.

2010-01-20T11:18:00.001+08:00

Deviantart.

2010-01-20T10:13:00.002+08:00

I don't want to talk about you.

I don't want to talk about the nights i would wait for you to come home to talk to you and you'd be too tired. I don't want to talk about the evenings you'd bring me home then made me wait afterward. I don't want to talk about waiting for you to give me your attention. I don't want to talk about waiting for you.

I also don't want to talk about hoping you would put me above your friends and your sport. I don't want to talk about the days hoping you would be there for me. I don't want to talk about hoping, hoping for you.

And i don't want to talk about how i tried. How every single second with you still hurts me, but i still push through. I don't want to talk about my insecurities and how you're never able to save me. I don't want to talk about how much i believe in my insecurities, how much i believe i'm always right when i say something or assume something.

No, i don't want to talk about all that. Not going to talk about you. Not going to talk about how you unconsciously push me away and then wonder why i'm always so damn sensitive about everything. Not going to talk about how you won't let me miss you and love you either.

How i love you and i miss you, and being an idiot for it.

---

i have shitty friends, most of them. I'm so over farah mani especially. I'm over atam. I'm over schoolmates. This ride has been taking too much energy.

A trek of strength and courage, and i've gotten off.

2010-01-16T09:22:00.000+08:00

an ciko,

atam behind

2010-01-14T20:49:00.002+08:00

22 days to nervous

2010-01-14T20:37:00.002+08:00

i know its sad that im doin multiple posts a day (:

---

no i don't miss you. i rather you stay away, cus you've been such a negative thing, and i prefer not having that kind of thing around me. ironic that you know we both know i love you anyway...

2010-01-14T10:47:00.002+08:00

Ive said it to those twerps now i'll say it to you, girl.

in the name of all that is bright and beautiful, get off the damn high horse, back to earth. i know your life is perfect, perfect job, perfect family, perfect boyfriend. She's not as half as lucky as you, so feeling superior and using that as an advantage merely makes you a bully. (More like an asswipe than a bully.)

fuck you cb.

2010-01-14T09:49:00.000+08:00

"I like people and I like them to like me, but I wear my heart
where God put it, on the inside." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

2010-01-13T09:21:00.000+08:00

I'm realizing how much i hate this... how much i hate you.

2010-01-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

"May we kiss whom we please,

And please whom we kiss."

2010-01-12T22:22:00.002+08:00

i'm finding life these days to be extremely, hopelessly not to my benefit. trust me to make this as depressing as possible eh. psheesh.

bury the fantasies?

2010-01-12T16:00:00.004+08:00

2010-01-10T21:32:00.002+08:00

1. Wishin everyday i could tell you just how much you need to wake the fuck up.

2. You are, i swear on my life, the stupidest idiot i've known.

3. Some days i feel like a mother.. An 18 year old mother with an 18 year old son.

4. You can live for her and die for her, that's out of my control. You are out of my control.

5. All the aspirations you've ever bullshitted us about, look at where you are now. You could have everything. Heck, you had everything, at your damn fingertips. Now all you have is a boy who can't see through even his own life. i would have embraced life if your shoes had fit me.

6. I've never seen you happier. if only i'd knew they was what it took.

7. I still live with the damn shame and scars. I remember how loud a slap was and i remember listening to the slow beating of a breaking heart. how do i let go, tell me, how do i forget.

2010-01-10T21:22:00.003+08:00

The good thing bout this whole drama is itll be easier for me to take him with me in the future, so you can play your ego game all live long day, but in the end, he's coming with me, living with me, being cared for by me. Thus, the person who gets to love him and be around him and depend on him is the one person who don't treat him like garbage.

And when i take someone with me, i mean it to be in the most literal word of action ever.

Thank you for giving me this leeway. (:

2010-01-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

Fuck loose women.
Fuck loose men.

2010-01-05T13:58:00.001+08:00

You'll never find someone to love you the way i'll always love you. (:

2010-01-04T08:55:00.002+08:00

I stepped into class today and i feel as if, some people really got pissing annoying over the holidays.

---

it's hard to sympathize with people and their problems these days. And it's not me, its them.

2010-01-03T23:50:00.002+08:00

---

you're skin deep ugly. you're immune to patience, quick to judge, stubborn on feelings. and i hate that about you. i could throw you in a pool of salivating sharks without a care but because of how we are related, i have to show an atleast 0.1% of interest. i hate your voice, your swagger, how you act. he's right when he says you're a useless fag and only pretends to be so macho and gangsta infront of certain people. but is actually a dimwit for all i care. fuck.

and you're an idiot. all that's happening right now that frustrates you is in the irony of your own doing. if you hadn't retrace those steps, you'd be less in the pit, you moron. you're never able to think for yourself yet you act as if no one could touch your precious skin.

thus, you're both morons. get off your mighty high horse and accept the fact that this, this what you're putting yourself through are situations you can't possibly save. what is taking so fucking long for you to realize that? please for fucking fucker's sakes, stop pretending you're in some kind of superiority bubble and accept the fact that what you've created has crumbled to pieces.

so atleast i can have better sleep at night. fuck this.

2010-01-01T13:17:00.005+08:00

I'm not going to write about getting new clothes, a license, or quit smoking. I'm not going to say i'll lie less or jump around more. All i know is i have had resolutions stacked year after year and none of them followed through. So this year will be as spontaneous as it should be. Whether it be adventures or acquring new skills. I have a brand new year ahead of me, and this time, unlike the other years I've made oaths and failed to sworn by, this year is going to be just fine without one. (:

Oh yeah. happy 32nd month anniversary to you and happy new year to all.

2009-12-29T13:49:00.001+08:00

"Are you who you always said you would be?"

2009-12-29T13:33:00.003+08:00

2009-12-28T20:17:00.002+08:00

I'll get pregnant one day. Unmarried and without future for me and my baby. I'll be an atheist. Or christian, whichever's worse for you. Forget cigarettes, i'd be sucking in weed, and selling them. How about becoming a prostitute? Sure. If i wanted something fancier, i'd go for nightclubs as exotic dancers. Liquor? No thank you. Heroine's the answer if i really wanted to destroy myself. In the end jail sounds nice. Cause half of my life without being around crappy people is like getting my cake and fucking gobbling them down.

For a good girl like me, i am, to both of you, a tragedy. You perfected that bitch look, and as for you, you succeeded embedding drama in the little things.

I'd applaud both of you but i'm more interested in showing you what it means to be a tragic child. Because if i'm such a bad person, then i'm curious what you call the whole goddamn population.

2009-12-28T11:00:00.002+08:00

About boys, i know one thing. If they wanted to be with you, they would be with you. They don't hang around dropping false hopes and things they hope they mean unless they're playing games.

My first crush, H, i went through 3 years of his tricks, held hands and cuddled but never lovers. and finally on that third year he ran to my best friend.

So, about boys. If they love you, they wouldn't take chances putting up shows. If they take all the time they need to get to you, then time isn't worth wasting on them.

That's for ya.

2009-12-27T14:33:00.010+08:00

Went to the beach.

Swam.

And you know i know i'd do poses.

I golfed.

Jet skiied.

And parasailed.

That was phuket for you. I go karted and buggied too but that wasn't caught on photographs. That's about it. (:

2009-12-15T01:01:00.001+08:00

2009-12-13T22:44:00.000+08:00

A fool is a poet with his reading glasses on
A poet is a fool when he doesn't write his songs.

2009-12-13T22:22:00.003+08:00

been feeling more like the thorn than the flower, like the wolf rather than red riding hood, like the grinch than santa.

2009-12-13T22:01:00.002+08:00

I need you, but lately you haven't been here. you're around, but barely here. you're immersed in so many things, your sport, your interviews and your strive for a job, and it seems like time has shortened for us. I have feelings i can't say. I'm angry but when i start to scold you, i withdraw. because i know you're tied down to your wants and those things are becoming problems for you, and i don't want to be one of those things that stresses you out. But in the end, the only person i stress out is myself.

Cus lately i've been needing you, i feel lonely, and i need you, but you're not with me anymore.

2009-12-12T00:56:00.000+08:00

i suck at pretending to gag. So finally...

- omg ur gag like real.
nad: because it was.

we never get too old for anything.

2009-12-11T22:36:00.003+08:00

Because no matter where you run,
you just end up running into yourself.

2009-12-09T10:55:00.001+08:00

life was much more fun when i had problems.

2009-12-09T10:44:00.002+08:00

Shoutouts:

1. weeks have been super with you. atam
2. i'll be here whenever you decide you need me. fiza
3. wake up to reality! eddy
4. she hasn't. she's just having fun pretending.
5. if you fall to your pathetic death, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
6. sluttish ways makes for sluttish endings.

2009-12-09T10:29:00.002+08:00

i was watching this group of girls the other day and it got me all wistful and shit.

i miss having girlfriends. i miss pcs, cutleries, ainos buenos and god knows how many girls ive made cliques and fell out from. i miss forming a part of a group. the days i could say all kinds of crap and no one would get snubbed cus they'd know what it means to joke. the days i would laugh and make it seem like it couldn't stop. i miss days like these, and how much it meant to me.

i went from being a girl, to a full time girlfriend. being in a relationship has its ups too and it can be pretty amazing, but it's still nothing compared to hanging out with your best of friends.

and for whatever records, i miss eza, emil, fiza, zana, ain and adah. :)

2009-12-09T08:59:00.005+08:00

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

2009-12-07T09:17:00.003+08:00

i'm not the best person for you right now.

i'm obnoxious and selfish, arrogant, self centered, and careless. but you've been giving and selfless, and the right thing for me to make now is an apology but i can't even execute that cus i don't feel sorry.

i could try to make this work, and i know you already are, so please bear with me while i sort myself out.

2009-12-07T08:45:00.002+08:00

i'm the kind of person who has things to say most of the time. and what i mean by "most" is 99.9% of the time. times like these, the 0.1% of the time, when there is nothing left to say, you know i've given up.

that's what happened with you, Eddy. i can't say i'm disappointed, because i'm not. can't say i'm frustrated or could care less, because that's neither here nor there. can't find a single word. now that's frustrating.

2009-12-03T16:13:00.001+08:00

and before i forget,

to najib, eric and azh: happy 18th belated birthdays.

to atam: happy 31st anniversary.

2009-12-03T16:09:00.000+08:00

i'll never forget that flying backward wallet drama. i'm the funniest shit who lived. ;D

2009-12-02T08:06:00.002+08:00

i haven't been at my best lately. for one thing, i get riled up all over nothing. my anger was stifled constantly back then so therefore, i believe, this is it's time now.

but then again, what makes me think i can bluntly say what i feel and have people accept it without saying anything in return?

2009-11-26T15:56:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm running from nothing.

2009-11-24T08:32:00.002+08:00

so much to say, no more words left.

2009-11-21T22:39:00.006+08:00

heavy content.

today wasn't the best of days.

because today i realized the price of friendship with people, who, unfortunately enough for me, are selfish assholes. i'm sorry to say this, but that's all they are. they do things that are solely beneficial for them.

not to say i'm any different, because just like the rest, i am also selfish as hell. i do things and want something back. and i'm turning over now. to someone worser, not better. but it's something good for me, and bad for you. so let's clear the air. i'm making a list of all the things i hate or don't agree to, and on top of that, all the ways how i can dodge it and make it beneficial, for me, and solely, me.

1) one of the things i hate most: people who can't keep to their words. my mother have taught me that when you say something, make a promise, anything in that manner, all you have to do is to keep to it. because when you break them, you're not only going back on your words to that intended person, but to yourself. i've done it myriad of times. saying things i don't mean, doing things differently than how i said it.

but that's gonna change. i'm only promising things i'm sure i'll do. i won't say things i don't mean.

2) focusing on things that benefits no one but myself. why would you give up time and sweat and money on shitty friends and people who don't give a hoot? why would you go all the way south to watch them sweat it out, and at the end of the game, they leave you stranded? they leave you literally paying for their shitty promises?

dear one and all, believe me when i say the two most important things i put on the top of my list is school and dl now. because that benefits me and my future. my father said when you have things to take care of, to do, you get them done. and this is me working on them.

you be nice to people, and they get way in over their head and step all over you. why give every bit of backbone strength to your partners, when in the end they only ask for more, and they hurt you then they either leave or hurt you again.

so this is me, giving a shit to only me.

3) the word isn't obsession. maybe it is. but i prefer it being called comfort. when there is money in my wallet, i feel secure. atleast i know i won't go hungry or won't be isolated god knows where.

money is money. but even money has owners. and my money, belongs to me. i get angry when somebody else use them because i know one of the days following i'll be hungry and i won't get to feed myself.

that's selfishness, but that's a right.

4) who do you live for? families, lovers, friends? they all play a role, but like i said a million times before this, you sleep with yourself, and wake to no one. you are all you've got.

5) anger is one of the many forms of emotions i am having fickle minded games with. can't channel them, can't let them out, can't keep them in. then i become this mess. this mess who keep hurting her own damn self so every knight in shining armour and damsels in distress out there can live.

6) i'm sorry this had to be mentioned but, i rather take the bus to school, than ride with someone who does it and expect to be paid. and the price is ridiculous. it's more than i can afford. we're not even there yet and you're already demanding me, like i'm hiring you for a job. it isn't right. you should do it out of sincerity, and because you love, not because you want a damn salary.

somehow i've realized. i can't depend on people, i can't trust people. cause when you do, they present on a plate to you 10,000 reasons why you shouldn't have. friends disappointed me. boyfriends i've had, i've trusted with mighty strengths, they've all crushed me.

---

i hate this part. when you're thinking that only yourself mattered, and the people you can't deal with could burn in hell. today changed me. and by changing it gives me no room to let people in. it's a selfish thought. but tonight for me, it's a sure thought.

sleep well.

2009-11-17T14:10:00.002+08:00

Why do you have to be so NIOSDWEFJOIWEJFCDFHGFJDQI78439DMX~

2009-11-14T23:14:00.002+08:00

oh, and farah, fight or flight alright.

you could have flown and left this shithole a long time ago, right after finding out elf was cupping his king of spades. ;)

2009-11-14T22:42:00.002+08:00

we're out of tricks. i'm out of words, you're out of compassion. but you know i'll be there, i'll be waiting.

2009-11-14T11:29:00.002+08:00

everybody's a two faced cunning and ignorant piece of shit, self centered, egoistic, thinking about what's best for them and knocking down others to run for the prize, sly and wholly uncaring, with nothing but greed and power on their minds, stupid shitless bastards.

i'm done here.